A conversation on pineapples on pizza

Graphic byNidhi Mathihalli

Nidhi: We’re here today to talk about Harshini’s very uneducated opinion on pineapples on pizza.

Harshini: Thank you, Nidhi, I feel so welcome here.

Nidhi: So I, along with everyone in the world, want to know: Why don’t you like pineapple on pizza?

Harshini: I don’t like pineapple, dude. It’s disgusting.

Nidhi: *Gasps* What did you just say?

Harshini: I tell people that I’m allergic to pineapple because I hate it so much. Since I’m allergic to a lot of things, so no one thinks twice. In fact, you know what it reminds me of? It reminds me of a soggy carrot that's been dumped in orange juice.

Nidhi: You are a soggy carrot that's been dumped in orange juice. Plus, think about it this way: instead of getting just one flavor, you get multiple. It is sweet, but it’s also umami.

Harshini: But think about it this way: When I eat a jalapeno, I’m expecting it to be spicy, not a soggy carrot. I don’t want it to be sour or sweet, I want it to be spicy. Where’s the logic?

Nidhi: It’s an all-in-one package when you get pineapple on pizza. So, I don’t see the problem. In fact, I see something great.

Harshini: Yes, because eating a marshmallow with a jalapeno is a common midday snack. It has multiple flavors in it, right?

Nidhi: But like, you know …

Harshini: But like, I’m right. You know I’m right. Anyway, I agree that fruit and pizza are delicious, but together they aren’t great. They should be eaten separately. 

Nidhi: With that argument, people could say all toppings on pizza should be eaten separately. But toppings on pizza are what make it good. No one wants to eat pizza dough, some tomato sauce, cheese and olives separately. Plus, pineapples are unique: It’s a new topping and it is refreshing. And how about Hawaiian pizza? It exists, and tons of people love it. It’s a classic.

Harshini: You know what else a lot of people like? Trump. That doesn’t mean he’s a good person.

Nidhi: Yeah, but pineapple pizza has stayed longer on menus than Trump has in office. Oh well, class is gonna end. I guess we just have to agree to disagree, although I’m right and you’re wrong.

Harshini: Did you really think you could convince me? I don’t agree with anyone.

Nidhi: No wonder.

Nidhi went on to study social studies in college and got her Ph.D. with her thesis on the history and greatness of pineapples.

Harshini got into Harvard Law School, just like our lord and savior Elle Woods, and became well-known for suing people who gave her pineapples as gifts for their lack of sensitivity towards her fake allergy.