A modest proposal: the 5-minute lunch

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There has been debate among the faculty whether or not to adopt a rotating block schedule for the upcoming school year, and with it has come side arguments for other adjustments to the school schedule. Proposed changes have ranged from embedded tutorials to multiple late starts, but the issue that has most interested me is the potential for a shorter lunch period. A 35-minute lunch.

Thirty-five minutes? While some students will moan and widen their eyes in dumbfounded disbelief at this proposal, I say why so long? Why don’t we make lunch five minutes? After all, there are just too many advantages to this succulent proposal of a shorter lunch.

First off, let’s look at our nation. The land of the chubby, home of the plump. We have to change this attitude, and this starts with a shorter lunch in schools. Let’s minimize the time to eat, so before students can bite into that 14th fry or chew their greasy burger, that screeching school bell will ring.
Let’s say those who want to savor and spend time eating their healthy lunches frown in opposition. Who needs chewing anyway? If anything, we should be adopting IV drips as a method for delivering nutrition: a speedy (within five minutes, I’m sure) way to eat, and great way to prepare for any future hospital visits!

Hopefully, this new shorter lunch will even get people to stay on campus more. And for those rebels who want In-N-Out Burger, I’m sure they will rethink their desire and choose a school lunch instead. I mean, no one at our school ever rushes to an eatery much too far away, speeds back to class, breaking the 35 mph speed limit, burger in one hand, steering wheel in the other. It’s not like five minutes would somehow introduce speeding and tardiness to class. Right?

And why stop at a five-minute lunch? Heck, lets go for a one-minute passing periods! That way, we could double our benefits: Not only would students have to rush to class and burn off the fat of their five-minute lunches, but maybe we could reduce the size (and cost) of the physical fitness program by having sprinting a permanent part of passing!

Time management, people! That’s they key to a successful and happy lifestyle. The French, with their four-hour lunches; what are they thinking? The lengthy British meals; what a joke! It is the American—no, Saratogan—speedy five-minute lunch that will reign supreme, what with its superb benefits of nutrition, potential for choking and unsafe driving, a loss of flavorful food and a lack of relaxing social time. Bon Appetite! Or maybe in the words to fit into five minutes … Bon Ap!