The struggles of getting a Falcon interview in a virtual year

April 18, 2021 — by Selina Chen

Find sources through an involuntary sign-up form disguised as a Facebook poll.

Ask your victim politely over Messenger. Emphasis on politely.

Lay back and wait … and wait … and wait. It’s not as if anyone ever meets their deadlines this year, right?

Check to find that you’ve been left on read ...

Of course you have.

Now it’s time for the slightly, just slightly, unconventional ways:

Initiate a benevolent fan page to praise their admirable propensity to give insightful interviews. Public pressure is lovely :)

Nominate them as a source for every single story so the entire staff requests interviews from them. Foot-in-the-door or door-in-the-face: Po-tay-to, po-tah-to, both are  compliance strategies backed by psychology.

Threaten to put their ugliest picture on the front page if they don’t respond. Right. Now.

Exercise your Journalistic Right to Subpoena Sources (JRSS) — oh wait, that’s not a real thing? Whatever, the news media dictate what’s real anyway.

Report them as missing.

Visit their house and set up camp outside the door. Steal their Doordash order while you’re at it. A salad, really?

Infiltrate their Zoom class and set an embarrassing photo of them as your virtual background. Kudos if you do it in Mr. Yim’s class.

Enact a skit featuring them answering your questions in the worst possible ways and hope they want to clear their name. At worst, your prowess as an aspiring playwright might get you an extension.

When all has failed, endure the wrath of your editors.

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